I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
