So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
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Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
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We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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