seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
