Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
