he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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