I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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