Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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