you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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