My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize