He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
