so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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