My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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