Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
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