I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
