it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
