Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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