I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
