I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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