Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
