I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
