watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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