last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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