How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
