she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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