you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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