I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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