im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
