508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
