How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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