i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
