walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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