i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
