I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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