I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
