tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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