It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
