no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
