I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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