Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
