My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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