well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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