How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dignity is for republicans.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I stole a fireplace last night.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
