Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
