what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
