I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize