I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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