Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
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He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
πππ what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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