Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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