Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
