She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
