I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
