My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
