One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
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This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
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He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize