whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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