is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
