I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You're like the curious george of whores
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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