Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
