I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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